Accentuate the Positive

Ned, me and a couple of friends, 50th Wedding Anniversary Party in San Miguel de Allende.

 

June was the second anniversary of Ned's death. I thought a lot about him but also took a look at myself. How was I doing? And what I realized shocked me. At first I found my shoulders hunched up to my ears and I was tense so much of the time. By the end of the first year I felt more relaxed and I was off on a trip to Europe. I thought I was doing okay. But now that I look back at this year, the second since his death, I am really surprised. I think there has been an even bigger change in the second year than in the first. For want of a better word, I feel that I'm blossoming. Don't laugh at an old woman! No, really I feel such a sense of well-being and independence. I am making decisions and plans for the future and I am having so much fun.

Do other widows find an even bigger change in their lives in the second year of widowhood. I started doing some research about being a widow and found I probably should have done the research right after Ned's death. It looks like there are some good self-help books around. One that especially appealed to me was Saturday Night Widows, The Adventures of Six Friends Remaking Their Lives by Becky Aikman. Aikman found five other widows and they met once a month and did things that were outside of their normal activities. And yes, they talked about their grief but in the normal course of doing other things.

Aikman was thrown out of a grief group because she didn't fit the expected pattern.  It seems that the idea was that the widow should wallow in her traumatic feelings in order to get past them. It’s only very recently that researchers started studying actual grieving people. In Aikman's interview she says, "Most of the prior work was based on theories about what it was supposed to be like. And those who study actual people find that most  people are naturally very resilient and it’s good to focus on positive things and look forward and it’s actually harmful to dwell extensively on painful memories."
Here is the interview with Aikman.

The hospice that helped me take care of Ned asked if I wanted to join their grief group. I said no because I wanted to leave Houston and come home. The sooner the better. But in following my own path of saying Yes to opportunities and trying to do things that I thought would be difficult without Ned, I have focused on positive things even though I didn't read the book. Reminds me of the Sam Cooke lyrics.

You've got to accentuate the positive
eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
But don't mess with mister inbetween

 

If you are a widow, I'd love to hear from you. What was the first year like? Was the second year different? I will be surprised if my experience was unique.

Meet Lola

Meet Lola. She is my new wheels. Actually, Lola is more like middle-age wheels instead of new. I've bought a Semi-Neuvo car. Semi-Neuvo, or almost new, is what the dealerships call used cars. Lola wasn't from a dealer. She is direct from her original buyer in 2006. She was checked out by two mechanics and both of them said she was in very good shape for her age.

Lola is a Nissan Platina. Autoevolution writes: The Platina, which is not sold in Europe, shares its platform with the Renault Clio and Modus as well as with the Nissan Micra and Note. Though not particularly visually attractive, it has all the features that have made Clio one of Europe's best selling cars since its launch in 1990: reliability, affordability and agility.

It is without a doubt not an attractive car and Lola's color is gray/silver. She already has the required San Miguel scuffs on her bumpers. She isn't going to attract any attention on the street but the part I like is reliability, affordability and agility.

Buying this car has been an interesting experience and I've been "enjoying" the experience for a week. Taking her for a test drive, Sitting with her at the Mechanic's shop. Getting my physical and blood type. Getting a Mexican Driver's license, Getting the title transferred, new license plates and emissions testing done. I took the Kindle along for two days to sit in government offices and wait my turn but I ended up watching the system work. It does work....slowly. Some things I do not understand. For example, I could turn in a copy of my passport and permanent resident card but I had to have the original of my physical. It is easiest to just do it and stop trying to figure out why.

I have great friends who have taken me along to Queretaro and Celaya when they were headed to Costco or Home Depot but I'm a Texan and I've been feeling the need to get my own horse. I can't begin to tell you how exciting it was on Thursday when I got in MY car and drove myself to Celaya. Maybe that sounds silly but it was another important marker in life without Ned.

If you are wondering how Lola got her name it is an acronym for Little Old Lady's Auto. Lola and I are not planning any big excursions but it is possible that you will pass me on the highway to Celaya. Oh....if I'm pulled off the highway with the hood up, don't pass me! Stop and help.

Marriage? Don't Think So

Here is another New York Times article forwarded to me by a friend. It is about how many widows are not interested in a second go at marriage.  I've read several surveys that indicate that more than half of women who are widowed before 45 years of age will remarry while about 10 percent of women who are widowed when they are older than 45 years of age will remarry and that percentage really drops for women who lose their husbands after 65 or 70.

I've picked up a couple of hints that a few friends are kind of wondering if  I might be interested in another relationship. I also have some friends who have used some of the Senior "dating" sites and along with some totally boring men, they have also met some interesting men. So, I have asked myself, "What about it? Would you consider remarrying?" The article from the New York Times helped me put my NO answer into clearer terms.

I had a long and happy marriage but Ned and I started our life together when we were not much more than kids ourselves. Can we make accommodations in mid-life? Marriages take a lot of work. I'm pretty set in the way I do things and what my expectations are. I do not think it would be easy to accommodate another person in my life.

In addition to a good marriage, I also had a successful career and in many ways I was shaped by the Women's Movement. I do not feel like I NEED a man in my life to prove anything to anyone. In fact, I feel that this time of my life is a great opportunity to try my wings, to fly solo.....and it isn't a bad feeling.

Another issue mentioned in the article is financial independence made it easier for women to make the decision to not re-marry. While I'm not wealthy, I am able to live a nice lifestyle without looking for a man to provide financial security.

Another study that I read cited that women who have a strong social network were less likely to feel the need to remarry. I recently met a widower about my age who wanted to know if I felt I needed an escort to go to parties or events. Although it would be nice to go with someone, NO, I do not feel I need an escort for anything particularly here in San Miguel. A network of friends and activities really does give you independence.

Marriage vows usually include "to honor and cherish, in sickness and in health." When we are young that statement seems quite beautiful but when you get to be older and you have taken care of your loved one in 'sickness' you know that in a marriage in your 70's, it is most likely a prophesy of what is to come and not beautiful at all. We are older and we will die and sometimes the dying is long and painful for everyone. When you are married your life is as a couple and when one is sick the other is a part of that illness. You may think me selfish and although it could be the other way around, I don't want a new husband's health determining the rest of my life.

One of the women interviewed for the article said "I adore male companionship but they've got to be good company," she said. "Otherwise I'm happy to go out with a woman or by myself. I'm self-sustaining." I think she speaks for me and a lot of other widows.

A Widow and Friends

A friend sent me the link to an article in the New York Times titled, "No Husband, No Friends." The article is written by Charlotte Brozek, a widow. I feel so badly for this woman because she is suffering deeply both emotionally and physically from the loss of her husband of many years. She feels she lost her husband and her friends and life is closing her in a "bereavement bunker."

I hope you will read the article and the comments. Especially the comments, because many of those who commented have had experiences that support her feeling that the couple friends drift away after the death of a spouse except for an occasional lunch. I wonder if I would be finding the same thing if I lived in Houston because that isn't my experience here in San Miguel. I feel like all the couple friends that Ned and I had are still there and even take special care to be sure I'm included. Also I am making an effort to make new friends but that really isn't so hard to do in SMA.

After Ned died I decided that I would just say YES to invitations and opportunities no matter how much I wanted to say no and stay home. I had reasons to stay home. Low energy, the effort required to be cheerful, fear of doing something by myself...... But I said, yes. I think that helped me get back on my feet. A friend of almost 60 years lost her husband this year. I told her about just saying YES. She recently sent me an email saying that YES was good advice and it was helping her get back on her feet.

Another thing that I did, was I challenged my fears. I like travel. So just weeks after Ned died, Carly and I did a road trip to Colorado to visit some friends. Three days on the road there and three days back. Above is a picture of me on a European River Cruise taken by Jeanne who I met on the trip. I planned time in Prague and Paris...by myself, not a part of any tour. Now I know, I can do it. I like to give dinner parties but without Ned how would I do it? Even though there were a few hitches the first time, I can do it. I didn't know it at the time but challenging my fears has been very good for me.

Just because I'm doing okay, I'm not denigrating Mrs. Brozek's feelings or experiences because I think if I were living in Houston instead of SMA, I might feel the same loss of some friends. Not my really close friends who I see every time I go back to Texas but the ones who were maybe more just social friends. And because Ned and I did so much together I would have to work at finding new activities in Houston.

Mmm....I don't know exactly how I would find my way but I would not let myself stay in my bunker. Still, I do think being a widow in Houston would be harder.

Where is Billie?

Where am I? Well, now I'm home in SMA. Oh, but the places I have been. I was gone for a month. I was in Texas, Czech Republic, Germany, Luxembourg, France, back to Texas, then home to Mexico. It is a long story that started a year ago and I think this story was one of the reasons why I chose Reservations for One for the name of the blog last March.

I have some dear friends who started planning a trip to France last September and they invited me to join them, but as their plans progressed their itinerary became more complicated. I felt overwhelmed at the time with all the details so I backed out of going with them.

Still, the idea of going on a trip in Europe intrigued me. So I started looking for something where I would not have to worry about getting from place to place. A River Cruise with AMA Waterways won...Europe's Rivers and Castles.

The tour included a few extra days in Prague and Paris but I wanted more time so I added additional days to each city. I'm so glad I did this trip. I saw a lot of places I never would have seen otherwise, I met some really nice people, and I found out that I CAN travel by myself.

I'm not going to write a town by town description of my adventure but over the next few weeks I'll share some pictures from the trip and some thoughts that came to mind as I traveled. So keep checking in. I'll be blogging again.

Guilt

The normal definition of Survivor's Guilt has to do with someone who feels guilty that they survived in combat or a natural disaster, a widespread layoff or some such major catastrophe. However, I have to tell you that not only I, but several of my friends who have lost spouses, have felt guilt about living and enjoying life after the spouse is gone.  I don't know whether that fits the psychological definition of Survivor's Guilt or not but it is a real feeling.

Maybe, these lines from  the song "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" in the musical  Les Misérables express it best:

.....forgive me, that I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
.....There's a pain goes on and on.

I've told my family and friends that I feel guilty about still being here and enjoying life without Ned and they have all told me that I shouldn't feel that way. That Ned would not want me to be unhappy. I heard what they said but I have still felt a heavy overcoat of guilt.

Sunday was a lovely day. I was in San Miguel. The sun was shining. The skies were blue. The Jacaranda was in bloom. It was Palm Sunday. Ned and I always went into town to see the Processions. Today the Processions were wonderful and I photographed them and talked with friends I met along the way. Then I had a iced coffee at Starbucks and sat in the lovely patio of the old colonia building that houses Starbucks.

My heart was singing and I was happy until the tape started playing in my head about how could I be happy when Ned wasn't here to enjoy this beautiful day with me. But then I heard a voice that asked me, "If you had died first, what would Ned be doing?"

What would Ned be doing? He would be here in San Miguel. He would be going to the gym three days a week. He would be on his computer. He would be going out with friends. He would be taking care of house repairs and watering plants. He would cook breakfast  for himself and sometimes dinner. He would have the car here and he would drive to Costco and Home Depot in Celaya or Queretaro. In the late afternoon he would sit up on the terrace with a drink in hand and watch the sunset reflections in the windows back toward town. And, I think, Ned would be asking some lady friends to go to gallery openings with him and out to dinner because he liked to do that but he would not do it by himself. He would be making a life for himself. Then the voice asked, "Isn't that what you would want him to do? To be happy?"

Suddenly I realized that Ned would want the same for me, for me to have a full and happy life. I know my friends and family told me that but now I've heard it from The Voice, really heard it, for the first time. I think that maybe I can now get past the guilt, not the grief, but past the guilt.

The image of the fern was taken in the courtyard at Starbucks. The fountain is always so fresh and tinkly (is that a word?) I always take a picture of it when I have my camera with me.