Mother's Day

Mother's Day is one of those hard days for me. Actually this trip to Houston has been difficult. It seems like everywhere I go I am flooded with memories of Ned from the last two years he was alive and we had rented the apartment while he was taking treatment. But Mother's Day was one of those days that even if we did something with the family, he still did something special for just the two of us.

One of his favorite things to do was buy lobster and we would have a lobster feast on Saturday night. Would you believe that yesterday I walked into the HEB grocery store and one of the first things I saw was a huge table of ice covered with fresh lobster. Tears welled up. I was wiping them away but I caught a person or two looking at me kind of strange.

Last year we put off the family Mother's Day celebration for a week. I don't remember what was going on, probably some of the grandson's ballgames. We went out for brunch at a very nice place and it was lovely because the restaurant wasn't overrun with people and we had great service. But when I think about it I remember that Ned wasn't okay. And he was frustrated that things were going beyond his ability to keep up.

This was just a little over a month before he died. Looking back now I realize what effort he was putting into being with the family and making it a great day. I thought I was quite realistic about Ned's health but I realize now that although I knew it was coming, I was in denial that the end was so near.

I am missing him this weekend. I really miss him on the occasions when he and I celebrated. I miss him when I see a glimpse of one of those moments between couples who have been married a long time, a moment when they turn to each other and they communicate, most of the time without saying anything. Times when there is such intimacy from a shared love and life. It is these moments when I am lonely and my heart aches. I remind myself that I would not have these heart aches if I had not had so many, many wonderful and intimate times with my dear husband. I am so grateful for our life together.