Sunday, March 17, 2013

A Sleeping Pill

I think I'm doing good. Everyone else seems to think I'm doing good but sometimes, I'm not. I think from now to July I'm going to have some hard days.

The memories of the last times we did something together are so vivid. It is like it is double etched in my brain. The memory is beautiful but it reinforces the loss of never having another day like it with Ned.

The first Friday in March is the day of El Señor of the Conquest. Last year as many other years, Ned and I went into town. We had dinner at Brasserie and I wrote about it here. I can remember the exact table we sat at in Brasserie. The flowers in the fountain. The concheros walking toward us on the street as we came out of the restaurant. The bench we sat on eating ice cream. This year that video was playing in my head, over and over in a loop. When I went to bed, I couldn't read a book. All I could do was toss and turn. Finally at 12:30 I got up and took a sleeping pill. I don't take one very often but ocassionally they are a blessing.


  1. Billie, the first year is the worst for the very reasons that you write about....

  2. Billie, Ask yourself what Ned thinks that you should be doing and then do it. He will be there with you. I think that you are on the right path.

  3. The first year is always the worst. We never forget, but we go on. When I lost my son, the year before was thought about constantly. Of course every day with him is still always thought about but I'm a little calmer now. This post was so well written. You expressed your thoughts with deep feeling. You have a lot of strengh. Keep busy. ::hugs::

  4. Bille, may you find more peace in the coming months than you expect.

  5. Billie, I am writing from the other end of the spectrum. A year ago today, John, my better half was in the Adult Critical Care unit with respiratory failure. They could not wean him from the life support for eight long weeks. Now, a year later, we are traveling and living full time in our motorhome. I know that at any time he can again repeat last year's episode. I am mentally trying to get my head around living my life without him. Hopefully, what you share will give me some direction.

    I am so sorry for your loss. The verse from the Bible that helps me, and maybe will be comfort to you is...Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD ".....plants to give you hope and a future."

  6. Nan, thank you for the Bible verse. I do feel God guiding me through this.

    Three years ago, well almost four years ago now, when Ned was diagnosed with Lung Cancer it was staged at 3B...not good. But we had a good year after treatment we were both hopeful. When it came back in the brain I felt that we were on borrowed time. Still no matter how much you try to get your head around living without them, or no matter how much you are already grieving, it feels like 1/2 of you goes when they go. My heart goes out to you. Keep traveling and storing up those good memories.